As a long time smoker, believe me when I say that I understand what it's like to try to quit smoking. I started smoking at an early age. So early that I can't even remember how old I was!I would guess that I was about 8 years old or so. My earliest memories of learning or at least trying to smoke cigarettes was taking a cigarette from a pack in my dad's pick up truck and one of his match books and sneaking away behind a building.
Since I grew up on a farm, we had lots of buildings to hide behind. I remember that my dad smoked Salem and Winston brand cigarettes. When I took the first cigarette and tried to smoke it, it didn't go too well as I had now clue what I was doing.
Before you learn to inhale properly you tend to take a puff and swallow it. Yuck! Why people persist in trying to smoke after that is beyond me. I guess that's a good indicator of how strong peer pressure can be and also what a kids perceptions of what "cool" is.
Well, I did persist in trying to learn how to smoke. I felt a little guilty taking my dad's cigarettes but I didn't think he'd actually notice that any were missing when I just took one here and one there. As the months passed, eventually I got the idea of how to inhale.
No longer did I need to swallow like I eating food but I simply breathed in deeply and was able to blow out smoke the way I my dad did. That felt kinda cool and I felt kinda proud of myself for figuring this out. I noticed other kids in school that obviously didn't understand how to inhale. They would take a puff and swallow. Ha! That looked funny because I new that they couldn't possibly like that. It also made me much cooler because I was getting smooth at inhaling and feeling pretty good about myself.
Little did I realize at the time, how I was getting addicted slowly by surely...
In high school I would tend to hang out with the other "smokers". I new who smoked and who didn't but I also was naive enough think that others didn't think I was smoking. I smoked throughout my high school years but desperately tried to keep it from my parents. I would buy a pack of cigarettes from a vending machine and hide them in my car, in my clothes dresser or in one of the out buildings on our farm. Some times when I would come home I would forget that I had a pack of cigarettes sitting on my car seat in broad daylight and I'd throw them out the window at the last second for fear that my parents would find them. That happened dozens of times.
After high school I went to college and that's the period of time when my smoking habit really got consistent. Since my parents weren't around me on a daily basis and many other people smoked, I felt the freedom to smoke any time I wanted. I smoked in the morning, on the way to class, between classes, after school, on the way home, at home, at the bars (especially at the bars) and generally any time I felt like it.
Looking back, I don't think I really felt like I was addicted to smoking though. I remember thinking that I could quit smoking if I wanted to quit. I just didn't want to quit. After my college years were over and I got a job, I smoked even more. Partly because I missed my friends from college and I was lonely, partly because I felt the stress of my job and partly because... I liked smoking.
Smoking became my companion. There was something about smoking that gave me some peace. It was something to do to take my mind off of life's struggles. I loved holding a cigarette. Twirling it between my fingers. I'm sure that sounds stupid to non-smokers but you smokers know what I'm talking about.
At this point in my life and for several years now, I was smoking about a carton (10 packs) a week. Some times more. One of the feelings that I always looked forward to was buying a new fresh carton of cigarettes. I can still feel how the carton felt. The weight of it, etc. I know that sounds weird. But, opening a new carton and taking that first pack out and "packing" the cigarettes was so normal.
Turning point
I don't know exactly when I first started thinking about quitting smoking. I loved smoking. It wasn't really the cost of cigarettes as I was paying about $10 for a carton back then and could easily afford it. But, whatever it was, I started to think about what it would be like to quit smoking.
Well, this is when you begin to understand just how important cigarettes are to you and how strong a hold they can have on you. Once I starting envisioning my life without smoking, it was on my mind constantly. I was beginning to want to stop smoking. Everyone knows the reasons not to smoke so I won't list them here. These reasons just weren't important when I was younger but when I got into my late 20's, I guess I was maturing.
Unfortunately, It took me several years to actually quit smoking...
My will power alone proved to be extremely weak. I also went through a paid program to help me quit. I did quit for a while but only because I paid a lot of money. I knew I would start again... Funny thing about that. I actually quit for 1 year. One miserably year. I wanted to see if I could make it a year without smoking and I did it. But, when that year was over, I started smoking again. I also went right back to a pack and a half a day just like I never quit!
About a year later, I decided to quit smoking for good. Just I had many times before. However, this time I did it. I had been reading a lot of psychological stuff about smoking and that helped me understand some aspects that I didn't understand before. Somehow I was a changed person. It wasn't that I didn't have a craving for a cigarette because I still did but more that my desire for not smoking was greater that my desire for a cigarette.
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